‚Communication is key!‘ is what you hear most when trying to solve problems within a relationship. For many years I didn’t know what exactly that means. It seemed like a piece of abstract advice without much actual help. However, the past three years have shown me what it CAN mean. It might mean to listen to your partner’s needs closely!
Because last week’s post was canceled, this is part two of today’s make-up! Find my first post of today here.
When getting into a new relationship you hold back those needs you deemed weird and those quirks that feel off-putting. You don’t want to ‘scare off’ your new partner. That is wrong! Lay it all out there from the very beginning! All your ‘negative’ characteristics, all your unconventional sex fantasies, all your ‘weird’ family drama! Because in the end you don’t want to be the ‘perfect’ partner for whomever you met, but you want to find someone who loves you for who you are. Those things make you yourself!
Getting Your Needs Ignored Results in Disaster!
Friends have confided in me with how their partner is ignoring their needs. Some had sexual desires passed over for years leading to them cheating out of frustration and thus ending their relationship. Others were confronted with a partner who didn’t want to spend time, effort, or money to work on underlying issues, leaving them deserted within their relationship. And then there were those, who were always set aside when the partner’s family came into the picture. All of them had in common that their wishes, thoughts, needs, and desires were not heard. They were shut down.
I lived through all of these examples myself and never found a solution to any of it until three years ago. When I was put into the shoes of that partner who needs to listen and develop in order to make the other one happy, I understood what it means to accept someone for who they are rather than expecting them to change for my own comfort.
Try to Listen Yourself First.
It was the request to wear latex for someone else’s pleasure that made me want to run. Not literally, but my mind told me: ‘This is not normal, I don’t feel comfortable.’ I had two options: shut it down and ignore my partner’s needs, which could lead to great frustration and causing issues in the relationship. Or I could take the time to listen to what my partner needs exactly, understand why it is important, and then ease myself into trying.
Don’t get me wrong! I don’t suggest you do anything and everything for your partner if it is not for you, period! I only advise you to really understand and then try. If it still feels wrong, even though it makes your partner happy, stop!
Listening to Your Partner’s Needs IS Key!
But let me tell you, not everything you feel uncomfortable in the beginning will be a hard limit for you. I still wouldn’t choose to wear latex on my own, but seeing how happy I make someone by wearing it makes me want to wear it anyway. By listening, understanding, and trying instead of dismissing my partner’s needs, we unlocked a new path in our relationship, which makes us both happy.
In the end you need to be confident that you can voice anything in your relationship without being shut down. If your partner is not able to invest energy in you, you don’t really have that shoulder to lean on we all wish for!
Photo provided by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash